Visionary.

I've always been a feeling sort of person. In the past one and a half year or so, I've learnt and have been told by more than one person that I've got to harden up. I can't decide on things based on a hunch, or a feeling. I've got to have... a rhyme AND a reason.

These days, after a good cry. I'd delete previously typed out feelings of angst... and then try to take it from a logical point of view. Sometimes this works, but most of the time I fail.

The feeling in me wins and I hit the "send" button.

Ok, and so the irreversible takes place. Petty rants mostly, I might even be nominated as a bimbo who has miserable outbursts, unfortunately.. I don't think I make the cut.

These days, I haven't got much confidence in regards to many things that go on behind the scenes. Everyone means well, it's true. And I try my best to in earnest listen and digest the material offered to me.

But when I make decisions after thinking it through clearly and attempting to put to action the advice I'm given... I'm still told that I don't listen. It's frustrating.

But, I'm not allowed to be frustrated.

I'm not allowed to be angry.

I shouldn't feel defensive.

I don't think anyone really understands at all.

And that is something I try my best these days to make happen.

I talk more, I inform more, I update more, I include people in my plans by actively talking about it.

I wasn't always like that. I'd keep quiet and let carrie do the talking.... if she got carried away and it sounded like we were reaching for mars, I'd interrupt her and remind her to be conservative.

I didn't dare dream.

Despite being in a dream.

How weird is that?

Still, I am facing the same demons I faced when I divulged less and listened less.

It makes me angry. Mostly angry at myself really.

"Why?? Did i really miss out on something??"

"Did I do it wrongly again?? I thought I did as I was told!"

I think I've lost my marbles a little.

And I really really need to be a good person, before I can be a good singer.

That song can wait just a bit more.

I can't write a song that will touch anyone's heart if I'm writing it for the sake of writing it.

I know it's silly. But trust me.

TRUST ME. TRUST HIM.

It'll come.

Meanwhile,

I want to draw closer to him and learn not to listen to the people around me whom I love,

but most importantly, his voice.