SQUARE PEGS.


If god made us all individuals, why did he throw millions of these individuals into a steaming hot pot of 'life' in which all the ingredients melt down and break down into its smallest possible fractions so as to mix homogeneously into everything else.

And then there are the lighter particles which when the heat dies down, manage to float to the top for a breather.

And the heavier ones, which then sink to the bottom of the pot, under pressure by everything else on top.

And God gives it another stir and we get another chance at living our life in the chaos of 'life'.

Watched "Dexter", which is a hit television series about a psychopath and his way of life. Its a great show, although all the underlying complexities and the disbelief at how there are people in this world whose purpose of existence is to kill.

I have alot more wrinkles now from all that frowning.

I frown alot. Unconciously. Its... a state of mind that shows on my face.

When I'm frowning. Somethings cooking in there.

Anyhow, Dexter learns the way of life of the "normal" and does what he can to be "normal" and to fit in. Sometimes doing something for the sake of fitting in and failing badly.

But upon reflection, I realised I could actually relate to him.

I'm also a fitter. I'm a square peg trying to cram myself into the different holes that society provides for "social-comfort", for "community". Heck it, we're all fitters. We're all masters of disguises. We're all square pegs, still finding that right fit.

And so we float around, we shift from people to people, from groups to groups, we learn, and we practice, and we run calculated risks every moment of our lives. What to say, what not to say. What to do, what not to do.

Isn't that interesting?

That as much as we are all different.

We are all the same.

Different ingredients. Same Pot.

That said, its been mostly lethargic-ness these few weeks. It never takes much for a smile or a silly grin to merge. But its been getting harder and harder. Time passes by quickly, and yet slowly and painfully.

Timelines are non-existent.

There is no team to speak off.

I am full of questions and full of doubts, but I feel I can turn to no one.

I can give myself some directions.

But this is not a project I embarked upon myself. And directions have to be unified.

Of course, everyone has their own life to lead. The other projects in life to be busy with.

I consider myself as someone quite unselfish when it comes to things like this, I don't fight for my own rights, I don't demand to be served. I quietly pray and hope that my turn will come and it will come GOOD.

But I'm really starting to worry. I've done what I could. The funds are depleting so quickly. And I feel like so much is out of my control. I feel so weak and so unknown and so faceless.

At the same time, I feel anger, and discontentment.

I hide it. I fit in.

I try to be good.

I'm going to have to try and take control, somehow.

It is my life afterall.

I really wish R was still the captain of this ship I am on now.

But I've held back for so long. And this blog is where it all gets gushed out. Where it all starts to feel better and the light starts to re-permeate into my life.

So i just had to.

for all of us in this boiling pot of hot soup.

Thank you.

If it be your will, if it be your way.
Your light be a path to my feet...Your words, the key to my soul.

"I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for disaster,
to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11