Mother Iceberg (beware: long post)

What you see is merely the tip of everything else,
Like Icebergs.
Which in scientific figures, is only 1/9 of the whole portion...

Being a human being made out of flesh and bones myself,
being a daughter,
being a sister,
being a Christian,
being a singer,
being a friend,
being more than a friend,
being me.

There really is so much to discover and learn about myself,
more so for you.

Mothers, the mother of icebergs.
My mum is one big one,
with 1/9 of all her worries and concerns showing up,
and the rest of the 8/9 of them underwater...

My family gave me a good foundation,
I wasn't the smart one, and always had to survive the endless comparisons between me and my brilliant brother who aced all his exams with ease, who read books at the speed of lightning, who solved my maths questions in his sleep, who picked up the guitar and drums all by himself, and passed the grade 8 piano exam.

I was the one who played truant, ran around the house when my mum wanted to cane me, scraped my knee when out playing, fighting with a particular powerful Lee's son on the bus, and subsequently getting thrashed, joining gangs in primary school, selling packets of coloured twisted stapler bullet barb wire, cheating in class (well, in my defence the whole class did it together during a social studies test.), excelling only in things which couldn't be graded like acting, singing, and hosting.

My mum brought us up strictly, never allowing herself a break from it all.
Uptight, Stern, and... loving.

I remember how she used to scream at me like a lunatic,
throw me out of the house in the middle of the night,
after giving me a good thrashing and throwing out a bag of clothes in anger,
unafraid of what the neighbours might say,
regardless of the kind of rumours people in church passed around about her abusing her children. (some even threatening to alert the police. what to do, we were too cute.)

Not because she was truly a lunatic.
But only because she loved us so dearly.

Every red,blue,black stripe on my skin,
was a deep cut into her heart.
And I always remember the time she hugged me after,
and I pushed her away, in anger and in a bid to retain some of my so called dignity.

I know of some friends who have hip and happening mothers,
mothers they can tell anything and everything to,
mothers who are more like friends.

I sometimes envy them,
but as always, the grass looks greener on the other side.

The little iceberg that is me.
Is a big chip of the mother iceberg,
so much more than I can imagine.

I sometimes lament and question the fact that I am so much like her,
in more ways than a thousand.

But as I was unlocking my gate today to come home,
with slight annoyance,
and with heavy feet because of a couple of incidents over the past few days.

I had an epiphany.
I'm like my mum.
Which means, I should understand her better than anyone else,
the things that go on underwater,
the maze that her thoughts wind around in,
the emotions her heart echoes,
the tears that roll off her dry wrinkled eyes.

When i get annoyed and frustrated with her,
its like how people close to me get annoyed and frustrated with me.
We're not good at expressing our thoughts and feelings,
very careful not to hurt,
and yet curious and very concerned.

But there's just too much in my life,
too many things that could and would worry you.
Reassurance is like a cup of coffee that would last you for only a day.
But remember, you did a good job with this iceberg.
The foundation has been lain.
I'm strong enough to sink even a titanic ship.
In his greater purpose, and his timing,
our steps ahead are planned.

I may fall along the way, scrape my knee, play truant, lose my front teeth,
but really, the foundation has been lain.
And I could stray off, but never far.

I ask for your trust.
I ask for all mothers,
to trust and love us with also the remaining 8/9 of your heart.
Leave the judging to God,
and start living and being a light that warms every heart you meet.

I ask for all daughters,
to never forget you are a part of someone you are unique to,
to love and cherish with also the remaining 8/9 of your heart.

Too many unknowns in this world,
everything is of face value,
words are but words,
actions don't always fit the exorbitant bill of expectations.

Because I may never be able to be the person you want me to be,
but I'll always be a part of you,
and will always want to be there to catch you when you fall,
bring you a cup of water when you fall sick,
make you laugh when you get angry,
simply because no matter what you do or think of me,
I will always be here.

I really hope you know,
because I want to open my wings to fly and soar beyond the heavens,
and face my own demons and the occasional lightning in my path.
but I can't when I look down and I see you in pain,
in pain because of the path of flight I took.

I'll do good. I really will.
And my friends are great people,
even those that take advantage of me.
They do it simply because God gave me more than I needed.

Patience, and trust, and a pinch of faith.
I love you, mum.
I just don't know how to tell you all this face to face.


"Pain throws your heart to the ground, Love turns the whole thing around."
- John Mayer "heart of life"

你不知道的事 

蝴蝶擦几次眼睛
再学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星
但几颗会落地
我飞行
但你坠落之际
很靠近
爱听见呼吸
对不起
我却没捉紧你

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎落满地
在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还悬在你看不见那高空里
我的事
你不知道的事