Rant

Because we all need an outlet.
A sleepy night at home with planned simple fare dinner with mum followed by an early night's rest with a book in lap ended up being drama at the hospital and a night of "being there" for the people who have been there for me throughout my life.

Home in bed, ended up with request to not be home in bed.
The night ended with me waking up from my 15 minute lapses into sub-reality and unable to return feeling guilty and "not-enough".

Woke up late for church and already starting to wonder what in the world is wrong with me but decided that time could not be spent crying over spilled milk, made it in time for the macs breakfast and headed out on a joy bus ride in this splendid weather in splendid spirits.

Took a bus ride back, feeling less joyful and in less splendid spirits, again wondering what in the world is wrong with me but decided that time could not be spent crying over spilled milk as I always do and met up with 2 church friends for lunch. (Actually, they accompanied me for lunch.)

We talked about life, about health, about dementia and about Parkinson's. Such real problems, right at our doorsteps. Sitting in front of me, the most faithful person I've grown to love, struggling with these issues everyday at home with her mum and still being there for me. And me, seated opposite her, mouth full of rice and being caught up in my own problems which really shouldn't be in the first place.

The world is full of so many unhappy people. Why.
The people who have the right to rant, who have the need to mope and scowl, are the ones giving people like me a pat on the back and cheering me up, and being there for me at my every show.

How can.

How can.

Can anyone tell me?

How can.

How can I sit here on my mum's bed, with a scowl on my face, with a small tear on my heart, with longing and dejection, drowsy and wanting to escape into sub-reality even though I had 8 hours of sleep last night.

How can I not be feeling geared up and ready to work on the script and being productive and earning the money I often lament having the lack off?

How can I not be getting my act together?

How can?

Who's to save me from my own inadequacies?

好想要揮霍

詞 陳綺貞 曲 盧廣仲

我穿戴整齊面對 瘋狂的
世界 不管今天
面對誰 微笑是必須
就算妳不在意 我微笑的原因
是我僅有的自信

我慌亂面對你轉身離開
不管未來 快樂 是不是
我的必須品
我只能 再一次 安靜作好準備
妳下一次出現

總在午夜夢醒 家徒四壁
是甚麼包圍空虛
好想把我的 全部都給你
一個人 多平凡 的期許
總在人潮散去 瞬間覺醒
全身力氣得不到安寧
從不曾揮霍 好想要揮霍
好讓明天繼續

我慌亂面對你轉身離開
不管未來 快樂 是不是
我的必須品
也許早已否定 我所有的努力
愛已不會降臨

Baby,午夜夢醒 家徒四壁
是甚麼包圍空虛
好想把我的全部都給你
一個人 多平凡 的期許
總在人潮散去 瞬間覺醒
全身力氣得不到安寧
從不曾揮霍 好想要揮霍
好讓明天 繼續

我要的生活只有那麼一種
卻無法一個人 點滴的 過
直到今天還不能放開昨天的手
誰來 救我

午夜夢醒 家徒四壁
再沒有甚麼包圍空虛
好想把我的全部都給你
兩個人 彼此間的必須
總在人潮散去 瞬間覺醒
全身力氣得不到 片刻安寧
從不曾揮霍 好想要揮霍
好讓快樂繼續

從不曾揮霍 好想要揮霍
沒有甚麼是必需