Undercurrents

*long-winded. Don't read.*

Maybe we're not two-faced.
After all, we're just trying hard not to show the things people don't like to see.
The undercurrents of our inner souls,
the dark cold waters that are still at times,
and turbulent with massive whirlpools threatening to suck even the darkness in.

Why put it all out on a pedestal,
only to have people shun it,
or wish they hadn't laid eyes on it?
Yeah?

You tell yourself, love is patient and love is kind, it does not boast, it does not envy...
and it keeps your darkness at bay all for 3 seconds.
By the third gasp of breath,
the undercurrents have all surfaced, bubbling in sheer desperation to take over,
all that you've been working hard to maintain.
The calm, the peaceful ripples of life.

Temporal Paralysis.

Your body knows it cannot fight,
and it's smart.
Smarter than you think it is.
You can thrash in the water all you want,
and you'll still get sucked under.
But what if you just stopped.
What if you SHUT DOWN.

Your body goes rigid,
your eyeballs they roll back into your head,
life seems to slip away.

And for that moment,
the undercurrents are fooled.

They start bubbling in confusion.
Unsure and cocksure.
All at the same time.

Your rigid body gets sucked under anyway,
but the demons of the deep have lost their initial drive.
They're not interested in souls which don't seem to care whether or not they get sucked under.

It spits you out.
And despite being lifeless,
your body retains some form of warmth,
the hope,
the knowledge that the days are long,
and the battles are not lost until the day you turn to ashes.

Like a dim light in a dark room,
the little bit of warmth in your body lights up the dark empty room of your soul.
Shadows start dancing around,
because the light is back.
Dim, but fills the room.

It grows brighter,
and the shadows,
they grow bigger and clearer too.

For those few hours,
sitting on my chair,
reading and re-reading,
looking and re-looking,
thinking and re-thinking,
it is what it is.

I choke,
and I gasp and rejoice in the fact that my dreams are still alive,
my mum,
who just an hour ago,
lay limp and pale in the car drenched in cold sweat,
5 minutes ago sat on my bed asking for tidbits,
the color back in her face.

I'm thankful,
that God made me with a automated mechanism to keep me from going down under.

There are alot of people who need me,
I have baggage,
and responsibilities.
Who doesn't?

Ok, some people honestly don't seem to have any.
But that's them,
they have other worries of their own too,
I'm sure.
No room for compare, contrast and self-pity.

But,
What if I need you,
so I can continue being needed by the others?

What if someone needs you,
so they can continue being needed by others?

Can you handle that?

Can you love even when it's hard?

Can you love someone for everything?
The good the bad,
the seemingly necessary,
and the sometimes unnecessary,
so that they will have a little more strength to continue in their wretched circles.

Someone will be there for me.
I know he's there for me.
All the days of my life.

In my joy, I will rejoice.
In my suffering, I too will lift up my weary hands,
and say "Holy, holy is the King of Heavens and Earth and the keeper of my soul."

Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord,
wretched or not.

:)

It's been a long day, I am so so so tired.
I'm so happy I'm still walking on water,
and not under.

If you're feeling like me,
don't give up.
Don't ever, ever give up.

On that person, that dream, that thought that started you off in the first place.
Take heart, It happens.
You're not alone.


*wow, you finished reading it anyway. *