Pre-departure anxiety

I don't think I could be anymore flustered than this. My luggage is strewn all over the room, packed and yet my heart feels unsure. I've never packed so much into my luggage before. Mostly competition stuff, and a whole lot of other "technical equipment" which is needed to make me look fit for the stage.

this is called pre-departure anxiety symptom. I shall henceforth call it PDAS.

PDAS presents itself in decreased brain activity, lack of patience, temporary physical disability, and most seriously, mental paralysis.

I am currently on the way to its last stage, which is mental paralysis. My brain can't function to tell me what I haven't packed in and what else I haven't done to make sure I won't end up in Taiwan pulling my hair out.

Goodness. I am such a klutz. I am always in a last-minute rush.

My life is WAAAAAY too exciting for my weak weak heart and constitution.

So yes, the flight leaves in 7 hours, I have 101 things not completed and settled which I have to settle before my scheduled departure. I am in a mental and belongings-strewn-haphazard-fashion-i-can't-figure-out-where-what-i-want-is frenzy.

Breathe. Diya. Breathe.

Singing, is not something that can and should be used to compete with. The feeling is just not nice. It makes singing feel like such a burden, such a chore when it shouldn't be. I have to throw away this burden of the competition and just sing. but right now, other than packing and bringing my entire house to Taiwan with me... I really really really need to count my BLESSINGS.

Although I keep saying "I'm not joining the olympics! I'm just going there to sing a simple 2min song!" The amount of love and support I'm getting is absolutely overwhelming and although it does stress the hell out of me because I obviously don't want to disappoint, I'm embracing it and thanking God for each and everyone of them.

Allow me to count them now before I lose brain ability.

Keith Png - Hide & Seek

Great guy. Great, great guy. Great, great, great guy.
Nat rocks for introducing such a GREEEAAT guy to me... Thanks Natty!

Gabriel - Puma

"You've got to throw all your ad*d*s sh**s away now!"
Ahhh!!!! Thank you for the generosity!
I was overwhelmed and such a happy girl when I walked out...
I was humming and singing and dreaming...

Churchies

for that gathering, for your prayers,
for your unwavering love and confidence in me.
All of you young 'flood', 加油ok? I believe in you hallelujah sisters.

Family

Because you guys love me the most.
Uncle Bb, Aunty Mei, Ee, Uncle Ho, Dad, Mum, Kor, Sulinn.
I know I can be a brat sometimes.

Carrie Yeo

My partner in crime.
We'll brave the storms that eventually lead us to our dreams!
Thank you for the Aiptek video camera...HD summore!
I love it!

You'll be my camera woman right? HEHEHEHEHE....

And of course, my dear CLUELESS farm family who are all busy healing other animals in the farm and tending to the flock... I haven't sent that email out, maybe I'll update you all in FULL detail when I get back. Sel, Et, Ci, Toes.

Kinkies. I'm going to taiwan now. Japan, next.

Freshmusic Veggies, as always being my musical advisors. I heard the podcast, thanks for introducing me to your taiwanese podcast audience already! Heh. Here I go!

And you all for the encouraging tags and comments! I'm really going now.. I'm really going. Every second brings me nearer to the stage in Taiwan. Its going to be so so so eggciting.

Now, back to PDAS. Back to packing. ARGh.

真真假假

The lines are grey sometimes.

In every situation, different people play different roles. The singer sings, and the audience listens. The reporter reports, the businessman sells, the host engages, the mass audience, engaged.

But more often than not, I find myself in multiple roles. The singer no longer just sings because singing is far too simple in today's society since there are a million and one multi-talented crusaders out there. Its not a bad situation, it just shows how quickly humans have evolved over the past century.

Things are pretty real for me. But I realise that as I continue walking down this path keeping my mind focused, keeping my eyes set on the target, I have no choice but to take little detours to make sure the journey ahead has less thorns and shrubs that make the journey less pleasant. I have no choice but to allow the lone car that drives by to give me a lift and in return I must promise to bring back good stuff from my final destination.

I pride myself in the little bit of self-worth I credit myself with, the stubbornness that has both given me a certain distinctive style and quality and has also at the same time offended and pissed people off.

I have no idea exactly what I'm getting at because its getting harder and harder for me to get straight to the point because I have made certain decisions which come with small consequences. Consequences like not being able perhaps to share the full truths of things with you.

It bothers me, as much as it bothers you.

But as hard as I can, as well as I can manage, I do my best to keep things real, to keep the heart that pumps emotions 24/7 in and out every inch of my body, REAL.

At the end of the day, should I humiliate myself, should I fail, the blood that pulsates through me, that momentary paralysis, the happy moments, the moment a warmth passes through my body and congregates at the corners of my eye to form a tear. These are moments I treasure. These are real.

Should I lose the ability to share more than what I can on this blog. To protect the people who have given me a hand, to the people who are important in the realisation of my dream. Please, dear friends. Don't simply judge based on mere observations.

Don't analyse my words.

Don't OVER analyse anything with the logic this world has placed in us.

Use your heart, and feel.
I want to keep things real.
As much as I can.


*SCREEEEECH TO A HALTING STOP*(my thoughts, not my car or anything else.)


OH man. Yet another seemingly emo post.

ARgh.

I've got to get my act together, its only another 5 days till Taiwan. And before I take to the skies, I have so many people to thank!!

Must do it before I go, lest I come back dejected and bummed. =P BYE.

欢送会？YEAH.

士林，师大，饶河，通化，公馆 夜市，我们来了。

相处的时间不长，但心中的感谢是永久的。 谢谢你立茶！

还有你！时间说长不长，说短不短。
谢谢你的包容，你的快乐，你的“看得起”。
你是我演艺生涯很重要的一个人哦！
thanks man...
杨佳盈，我们一起努力。

我们。。。出发了！！！

今天比较fun/烦。

I thought I did a pretty good job yesterday handling the mini crisis while welcoming my taiwanese friends to singapore. I'm not so much of a multi-tasker or multi-emotional-er. If I'm 烦，i can only be 烦，i can't really be fun. So i think I really did a pretty good job there.

And its been lotsa fun hanging out with Pingjun and Lingru. =) I was really happy tonight, I must admit, its been a long while since I had this much fun preparing a steamboat for people and watching them just lay down their different background, whatever different culture or different personality they possess and just enjoy themselves.

I enjoyed every moment.

I hope they did too.

Life's brim full of so many individuals. And in life we celebrate individualism. Differences are bound to surface, and disagreeing can only lead to more disagreements. In a world like this, any meal or 2 hours spent laughing and chatting is a time worth celebrating and rejoicing.

For some warp reason, I even enjoyed the disagreements.

I only had three hours of sleep this morning, I have a pimple blooming on my forehead, my heart is not fully at peace though. In the still of the night, my mind is not completely still... I'll say a little prayer and find it in my heart to accept the blessings and the road ahead that I have yet to receive and yet to set foot upon.

Thank you.

Roam the streets of Rome.

I have this sudden wish to roam the streets of someplace foreign for a day, take in the sights and the sounds, sink into a bed that's not usually mine, and at the end of the dusty road, pick up a guitar and hopefully feel my fingers come to life as a tune escapes through my lips.

Just leave me alone.

And yet, 寂寞难耐. yes, indeed.


Maybe I will, I just need to get away and bring it all back. I need to sort out my thoughts and the mess on my desktop. I need to look through the looking glass, see a sky as a sky. See a cloud as a cloud. Hear a song as a song. And seek him.

I don't want to feel like a cow being milked. I work differently, I'll give you milk when I'm happy with the milk I'm producing. Sounds gross? Best analogy I could think of really.

还有多10天。

I have learnt, not to place my hopes on the things in the industry. Things are so volatile, and people always seem so sure, only to tell you in the end that something cropped up and things have changed. I can only place hope in the everlasting, in what I was born into, what i was born with. The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end.

I want to take my holga out on a trip somewhere. with someone preferably. =P

Thanks for reading all that uncharted, untamed thoughts. They're not wild. But most of the time they come out without even me knowing exactly what I mean. Ever felt that way?

Anyhow, my lack of blogging does not mean lack of physical activity. Brain activity has been rampant as well, but just nothing I have been able to put down in words or proper thoughts. Its just been a whole mish mash of feelings and alot of frowning involved. Nothing bad, just alot of self-reflection alot of wondering and wishing.

Before I throw the pictures in your faces, allow me to just ramble on a little more. How honest can we be with people we hang out with? What would you define as Emotional Quotient? What if something really really irks me, but I know I can't get it off my chest because it would hurt the relationship that stands. And yet, not getting it off your chest would also hurt the relationship in a different way, since it can never go deeper.

And yet, there are the people who are disillusioned, confident, righteous, oblivious, defensive, easily hurt, easily offended. No wonder people say 少说几句，少得罪几个。

Ok. That's all for now. bleah.

Frances was back! this is the only decent picture I
managed to take with my new Canon G10!
(more about new gadget playmate another day!)

AMP's perform at Lunar and my first Mambo Jumbo experience. =)

CLing launch at Dragonfly and how my initial fears on speaking about a topic
so unfamiliar disappeared into thin air as I ended up speaking on behalf of
the teens who wanted to know more. I felt I went to learn... and I did.

Me and the brilliant fore-runners and great music people
of our small but thriving local music industry.
(from left to right: 小寒老师，迪雅小虾，环良老师，思松老师）

Me and Guomin!
Who has been accompanying me on my events! Thank you!

And the enthusiastic photographer for the afternoon, Raymond who
had so much fun with my camera, he used up most of the battery!

I'm really thinking hard and paying attention although
it looks like I'm damn bu shuang.
I think we don't have much control over our facial expressions
when we're thinking hard. I now understand Jiaqi's shark face theory.

And finally, the Superband concert which was a blast even though
I thought my heart skipped a beat everytime I saw Luo Da You jump of a platform on stage.

I think i let my thoughts roam the blank spaces of blogspot for this post...

its... so... random.

Give them a break

The century long debate stands,

Freedom of Speech VS Responsible Freedom of Speech.

Was surfing Omy.sg and saw the news about Shawn and his blog post about his Math teacher whom he dislikes.

Cut the kid some slack people. At least he's normal. At least he's got a place for him to release his emotions. Would you have rather he kept everything to himself at the age of what? 15? The period of time where all teenagers go through an incredible change physically, emotionally and mentally?

Look at the teenage stars in America? Home Alone kid Macaulay Culkin, even Michael Jackson. These kids never had the chance to grow up as a normal kid, they never got to do the usual silly stuff kids ARE EXPECTED to do because the pressure was all on them. That they were stars, they were supposed to be role models.

If you want a role model. Go look for someone else. Don't put the responsibility on the kid. He has a life to lead. His own problems to face.

Sure, he's the winner of a singing competition. So what?

To all the adults out there who have kids of your own. Try keep check the kids in your own backyard before you start shooting your arrows at others. I bet you don't even know your own kid has a secret blog where the F words are being used so much more frequently.

Look past the content, these things they write are merely another way for you to understand the issues they are going through. If you're not going to help them, then cut them some slack.

I've read tons of such blogs, and I must say Mr Tok's blog already has alot of positive material in there. He's got a strong sense of what he wants and a good personality from the number of good friends he has around him. If you want him to be blogging everyday about inspirational stuff, I suggest you people go get yourself a religion. Don't put that pressure on him.

Cut these "superstar" kids some slack.

Cut us some slack.

We're not saints.

Like in the bible where the Pharisees(teachers of the law) brought an adulteress to Jesus and asked in a bid to trap him and persecute him:

"Here is an adulteress, according to the law, she should be stoned. What will you do with her?"

Jesus merely said "Any of you who has never sinned in your life may stone her."

Slowly, one by one the pharisees walked away, disgraced by their failure to trap Jesus in a corner with their worldly laws.

Cut the kid some slack, don't be a pharisee.

对自己的忠告


我想，我也一样。
不懂得珍惜现在，不懂珍惜对我付出的人。
没有理所当然。

床不会理所当然的变整齐，汤不会莫名奇妙的被煮熟，热腾腾的摆在我面前。
生活不会无风无浪，不会就那样“走到桥头自然直。”
不是背后，而是下面有一堆英雄把桥的另一边撑直。
头别抬高，往下看看为你流下汗水的人。

哇靠。我是无赖。

我不太会表现，
总觉得轻而一举，不费功夫吐出一句“谢谢“是不够的。

错了，错了。大错特错。

在进行《报答英雄大会》之前，
原来，简单的 ”谢谢“ 始终还是必须。
不能藏在心中口难开当借口。

谢谢你们。

说完了谢谢，还是一万个谢谢。

也谢谢你(们)造成了今天的我！

A better me begins by reflecting on the old you.

Appreciation

《谢谢》
陈奕讯

累了一天回家没人等门
有灯坏了房间显得冰冷
肚子好饿想要吃碗泡面
热水瓶里开水一滴不剩
这里少了你的笑和眼神
好像什么都蒙上了灰尘
原来我才是最依赖的人
我需要你比你需要我深

谢谢你的照顾你的体贴
给我一个美好的世界
我把幸福看得太简单了点
你有多用心我却没有发觉

谢谢你的照顾你的离开
让我对爱有更多了解
现在才说也许太晚了一点
失去过的人会更珍惜一点

Procrastination... it snowballs.

For the longest time, my head has been in a bit of a muddy, hazy situation.

Just like how the skies are today, my mind has been. Cloudy, with a little glimmer of sunshine here, there. But greyish and drizzly nonetheless.

Its been a long while since I actually had anything I wanted to blog about. Today I went to check on my nuffnang member's status. And they made me fill in a survey about my blog which I very lazily and hurriedly fill up. The point of the survey is so they can 'help' me earn more money.

But the truth is, after being with them for such a long time, I've only got 52 dollars to my name.

Well, I guess you could say that the earnings are based on blog hits. So fundamentally, my content isn't mass-entertaining.

But like what I said in the "In one hundred words, describe your blog to us" column,

I said : My blog is where I get things off my chest, but of course in the process of me doing that, I earn an allowance, this world rocks!

My head is so so cloudy and murky. Not in a bad way. Just in a real sleepy and blurry way....

I need a nice pot of hot tea, to awaken my senses and to keep me smiling. =)

I want to blog, but the words are not coming, the thoughts are not skydiving off my head onto this space.

I feel handicapped.

I'll go get my hot tea...


update(more like a continuation):

I had no other choice, procrastination is like a venom that silently creeps into your system, attacking even your ability to remember what is it you needed to do.

1. Develop roll of film.
2. Choose songs.
3. Call Cassandra.
4. Clear Room for Shoot.
5. Blog.